I SOMETIMES WONDER whether the younger me would like the person she had become, or if I’ve turned into the type of person she would pity.
That girl had a plan. She got complimented once about how great she was at memorizing the alphabet and gained the bravery—and frankly shamelessness—to tell herself: I will be a doctor someday. She told her mother she’d buy her a huge house with slides instead of stairs. She may not have known how to multiply two-digit numbers, but she knew how to dream.
How could I tell her that future-her only wants to be okay? That she didn’t want to be a doctor at all—that she was chasing a dream she didn’t even have? And, side note, she took up computer science. She’d probably think I was joking.
Everything went wrong at 17, when I came to the crushing realization that I had no passion for anything. Not even for earning money—it’s something I’m expected to do, like brushing my teeth or eating breakfast. Preventive. But I didn’t have a burning desire to do anything. And so I have to ask myself: what am I doing any of this for?
Excellence vs. Passion
I used to think I was passionate about Math. I understood Algebra better than most of my peers and really thought I had something there. But I’ve come to realize that passion doesn’t come as a freebie with excellence.
Because the moment I use the wrong formula, or someone else gets the answer faster, I lose all the love I thought I had for it. Is it really passion when you only like yourself in moments of highs? What if I only like the version of myself that excels—and not the thing itself?
If that’s passion, I don’t want it. For once, I want to enjoy something despite occasionally failing at it.
The Need to Rebel and Be Labeled
Without passion, I feel like I’m performing for everybody else but myself. Society conditions us to like ourselves only through other people’s validation. I, too, am a victim. Despite hating attention, I crave applause.
But I want to be able to say I’ve done something for myself. Having a passion means setting your own expectations instead of sculpting yourself around everyone else’s. Because it’s difficult not to surrender to society’s expectations when you don’t have your own. And when you do surrender, it feels like checking a task off some imaginary checklist, and in the end, it means nothing.
Maybe I also just want a label. Labels may be constricting, but they bring structure. Having no passion means having no label to put on yourself. I’ve only ever been a Student. In a year, that’s about to change. I’m scared to lose the only label I’ve ever had.
Stupid at Every Age
When I was 5, I thought I would have it figured out at 17, and when I was 17, I thought I would know everything at 21. Now that I am 21, I am all but a wise person, not as wise as I was 17, and when I was 17, I was as stupid as I am today. Really, I was the wisest when I was 5, drafting the map of my entire life using a handful of knowledge that I had read off an elementary school book. But, when I was 5, I did not know how hard—no, confusing—life would be for me, and I’m not sure I could trust the little old me who knew only two professions to decide anything at all.
Maybe, I am just stupid in every stage of my life.
It is frustrating to think that I will always be yearning for a past version of myself while simultaneously worrying for what my future version would become. It sucks to constantly question all you’ve learned after believing you’ve finally discovered something.
But, I guess that’s the curse of every human being: to always feel inadequate and left behind when you’re just right on track. I guess I just have to find beauty in evolution, in embracing the journey rather than the destination. Find joy in the cycle of breaking and rebuilding. Believe that somewhere along the way, in the little joys that occur during the tough times, passion will naturally emerge.
And here’s what’s been running through my mind the entire time I’ve been writing this: The only realization I have after two decades of living is—I just want to be happy. All the want to earn money, choose the right career, fall in love, all the good things and all the mistakes—all of it is rooted in my desire to be happy.
In a way, nothing matters. But everything does.
Published in the June 2024–May 2025 print release.
